We need to laugh more often.
Okay I didn’t have a bee costume. So spelling Fairy.
Twin One: I asked Patchy (our cat) two questions and she got them both right!
Me: Wow she must be a smart cat.
Twin One: She is. I am smart too.
Me: Yes I think you are pretty smart.
Twin One: I can spell Birthday. I learnt it myself b-i-r-t-h and then d-a-y!
Me: (In the most impressed tone possible) Wow. That is great!
Twin One: You know what else I can spell?
Me: Tell me.
Twin One: I can also spell dog pooh. D-o-g p-o-o-h!
(Bee sticker photo courtesy of Twin One)
During the summer vacation I finished writing my awesome book, impressed every agent I queried, landed a million dollar …no two million dollar book deal and my book is out this October. Hah! I joke. I woke up late every morning to the sound of squabbling, made a large breakfast for all the offspring, tried in vain to broom Cheerios from every corner of the house, ignored lunch time and convinced myself everyone needed to diet, pretended to be deaf while teenager complained about everything and under twelves fought about everything, tried out new exotic recipes for dinner amid constant pleas for mercy and ended the day by watching Netflix till my eyes could not be forced to stay open any longer. During all this excitement we also had Ramadan and we moved. For some mysterious reason husband decided this was the best time to not hire movers. Have mini-van will move.
ME: “Who the hell is gonna pick up all the heavy stuff?”
HIM: “We don’t have heavy stuff.”
ME: “What about the furniture?”
HIM:”We aren’t taking it.”
ME: “Well we can’t leave it here and they charge you to have someone come pick it up, then we have to buy new furniture… so how is that saving money?”
ME: “I’ll sell it.”
HIM: Laughing. Laughing some more. Still laughing. “No one is going to buy all that junk!”
ME: ( 10 days later holding up a large sum of money all fanned out, singing “I love it” in my head) “Look at all the money I made selling the ‘junk’.” I love Kijiji.
Kijiji is so addictive, you can sell anything there. I am thinking of selling the kids and husband as a ‘buy five get one free’ deal.
Other summer vacation stuff:
The beach, a birthday, Mississauga celebration square, the zoo, Niagara Falls….
What did you guys do in summer vacation?
Today is Maurice Sendak’s birthday. I have five wild things. I live where the wild things are. Wild Cauliflower has some Palestinian friends, they’ve been enlightening her on some of their customs. They ululate when they are really happy. I had no idea what that was, so Cauliflower demonstrated in the car while we were parked outside FoodBasics surrounded by other people sitting in their cars listening. Wild things can often be very embarrassing, but I like being where the wild things are.
On the first night of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,
The chance to go out and watch Iron Man three!
On the second morning of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,
Two twins fighting and the chance to go out and watch Iron Man 3.
On the second afternoon of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,
Three older children screaming, two twins fighting and the chance to go out and watch Iron Man 3.
On the second evening of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,
One gone out with friends husband, three older children screaming, two twins fighting and a chance to go out and watch Iron Man 3.
On the Sunday of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,
Pancakes doused in syrup, one gone out with friends husband, three older children screaming, two twins fighting and a chance to go out and watch Iron Man 3.
On the Sunday evening of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,
A fridge depleted of groceries, a poop filled litter box, fifty loads of laundry, innumerable dirty dishes, crayon decorated walls, Cheerios covered carpets, one seriously in trouble husband, five brawling children and I don’t even remember seeing the damned movie.
On the Monday after Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,
An empty house full of serenity.
This is what I got Sunday morning.
And two hand-made one of a kind bracelets made from fuzzy pipe cleaners and beads obtained from Dollarama.
This is some of what I dealt with when everyone was finally out of the house.
There were twice as many dishes in the sink and on the counter, and some were extracted from underneath beds and desks.
What were you treated to on Mother’s day?
All pics courtesy of moi.
Did you ever play that game Chinese whispers? I don’t ever remember playing it. To compensate this childhood deprivation God has blessed me with a husband and kids who live Chinese Whispers. You don’t get it? Let me demonstrate. Introducing the cast:
Slovenly Teen: 15
Only Son: 13
Middle Child: 8 (I also refer to her as ‘sweet child o mine’- she is the only one I want to admit is my actual offspring)
Twin 1: 5
Twin 2: coincidentally also 5
Husband: Peter Pan
Me: 18 till I Die (Bryan Adams rocks..eh)
Random Situation 1:
Slovenly Teen, the reigning champion of sleeping in, is still in bed on Saturday evening..no night..of course I am not exaggerating! Whatever gave you the idea I exaggerate?
Me: “Wake up goddammit! It’s almost Sunday, look at the filthy mess in this room, I am not cleaning up after you, you over grown gargantuan sloth. You get up right now and wash those dishes, I wash them all week. The least you can do is help out on the weekend, you good for nothing massive waste of carbohydrates. What kind of example are you setting for your younger sisters? All right that is it, I am throwing our all your junk….here it goes…did you hear me?”
What Slovenly Teen actually hears:
“My poor exhausted precious pearl! You have worked hard looking swag all week. Baby you need a rest! Now don’t you dare try to get up and put things away, no no no! Mama will do that for you, my darling angel! Just right after I get your good for nothing sisters to wash the dishes and clean up your room I am going to cook your favorite …now what do you feel like? Lasagna or chicken cacciatore? You are so beautiful it is unbelievable and just for being that good-looking I think I’m gonna bake my baby a cake! Here honey let me put your beats on your ears for you…you just relax and continue snoozing the day away sugar-plum.”
Random Situation 2:
Xbox addicted Only Son had been playing since 4 pm and it is now 7 pm The twins are fainting from severe lack of Tree House. Yes I insist on keeping one and only one TV!
Me: “You need to turn that game off now! You have been playing for five hours now. Other people in this house need the TV you know! If you don’t turn that goddamn thing off right now, you won’t play for a week. I don’t care if you have ten friends online, if their mothers are ok with their sons turning into a bunch of zombie gamers, fine with me. Are you listening to me? ”
What Only Son hears: “Most precious only male child and carrier of the family name. Continue on your quest of becoming the greatest gamer in the history of mankind and bring me pride. You have only been playing for half an hour and I know it will take hours of hard work to perfect your great skill at killing underage players online violently and mercilessly. I take great delight in every kill you make. It makes my heart sing while you comment loudly, with strange verbal embellishments, into that expensive mouth piece earphone thing set that I most happily agreed upon buying. Play on noble son, play on.”
Random Situation 3:
Twin 2 greatly frustrated while I am busy in the kitchen, comes to me with the complaint that her Xbox addicted brother has still not turned off the game.
Me: “Okay, just let me finish up what I am doing and I’ll come and have a talk with your brother.”
Twin 2 to Only Son: “Mom said you better get off that goddammit game right now or she is going to break it into gazillions of pieces and throw them off the roof. And then you are going to get a spanking. DO IT NOW!”
Random Situation 4:
Peter Pan husband is on the internet. I have issues that I need to discuss.
Me: “The groceries are almost finished you need to go shopping, and I was wondering what to cook for dinner. Do you want to have traditional stuff tonight or something non-desi? Did you know Only Son’s dentist appointment is next week? There is a sale on at the mall, I think we should go. You have got to talk to that daughter of yours! Her room is a mess, you need to get more involved with the kids, I can’t do everything you know! There is something wrong with the vacuum cleaner and the cat, they are both throwing up hairballs. Do you think I have started looking..old? You need to get some exercise, you sit too long at that damn computer, the twins have vaccinations due. Middle child brought home an open house circular from school and…”
What husband actually hears: “Blah blah blah blabbidy bloo blah blah blabber blabber blabber blah blah blabbidy bleep blah blah blah…”
So what does your family hear when you are trying to communicate?
(All pics from Google Images)
Our cat, Patchy Patch, is so awesome. Most cats are. And she loves to jump. This is her:
My daughter put her video up on You Tube. She is the most adored member of our family and can get away with murder, but she is such a sweetie. She doesn’t have any Diva demands like many cats, she does not come and sit on my head at 6 a.m demanding to be fed but waits patiently for everyone to get up and then she wants to be petted first. Her stomach is her second concern not her first. The only problem she does have is falling into the toilet whenever someone forgets to put the lid down. Which is often.
No, this is not Patchy, I would not embarrass her by posting a picture of her at her worst. This is someone else’s cat I found on Google Images. How could anyone do that to their cat?
She is the subject of many photographs shot by my five-5-year-old, Twin 1, who knows more about my cell phone than I do.
I don’t know how Patchy manages to keep her patience with a persistent five-year old who continuously sticks a camera up her nose.
Twin 1 takes pictures of everything. She says she is going to be a cake decorator when she grows up. I seriously doubt it.
(Cat in the toilet is courtesy of Google Images the rest are courtesy of Twin 1)
I started a blog on blogger called Desi Mom Eh? But I am so used to word press that I didn’t have much fun, so I am moving all my stuff here. This was the first post I did:
I got this from Google Images and I really hope no one sues me for using it. I didn’t have any pics of my kids’ runny noses or I would have used them. Honestly. Even if it meant them growing up with psychological problems because their mom posted a picture of their snotty noses on a blog. Anyways it is that season again when kids sneeze and manage to get slimy green mucous on everything. I have a ‘desi totka’ for you. A ‘totka’ is something old village women used. I think. That is what I always thought anyways. But I am not an old village woman. I am a stunningly beautiful, super skinny woman with five kids who doesn’t look a day over 32. Seriously. I hope my teen doesn’t read this.
My kids get really bad colds every time the season decides to change. So I take some ginger crush it and then squeeze the juice into some honey and convince my kids to get it down their throats. It actually tastes good and it is quite effective.
Take about a one inch piece and crush it in a handy-dandy mortar with a pestle which everyone usually has lying around the kitchen. Well at least desis do. If you are not a desi you can make do with a rolling-pin. No rolling-pin? You seriously need to stop buying all those microwavable dinners and actually cook once in a while then eh? Once the ginger is all crushed up it will start dripping out ginger juice. Squeeze this into a clean little jar and pour a few tablespoons of honey in. If it tastes too sharp and gingery add some more honey and you can store this. Get your kid to have a teaspoon three or four times a day. I convinced my twin girls that honey made your skin glow and your hair grow long. Yes I lie to my kids. I do it often and very convincingly.
If you, or your loved ones have been affected by the changing weather then we can help. Sorry I had once written some pages for a law firm’s website. So this is a recipe for this really awesome herbal/green/cinnamon whatever kind of tea. I am dedicating this to my friend Monica who had a really
sh—y cold today. Poor baby I hope you feel better.
Do you have?
1. Cinnamon. The one from Sri Lanka is called Ceylon cinnamon and is the best. You can get it at your nearby Indian store. This is the one you should use. Here is some good info if you are interested: http://www.healthdiaries.com/eatthis/10-health-benefits-of-cinnamon.html
2.Ginger. You can get this everywhere. Stop using those ready to eat things and do some cooking damn it! Ginger is good for lots of stuff like colds and even migraines : 10 Health Benefits of Ginger. I realize I messed up the name of the first link. Sue me.
3. Cloves. You can get this wherever you buy spices and it is easily available at all Indian stores. And you should have it in your kitchen. Really you should: Cloves Nutrition Facts.
4. Turmeric. Indian store! 20 Health Benefits of Turmeric.
In a sauce pan put three cups of water, two-inch piece of a cinnamon stick, a few thin slices of ginger ( 2 to 4 depending on how you like the taste), two to four cloves and 1/5 tsp powdered turmeric or a small piece of the solid stuff. You can use less if it bugs you too much. Boil it on low until about 2 1/2 cups remain or even just two if you like it stronger, add a little honey to sweeten it. Drink it two times a day. Or whenever you want to. This is also good after a heavy meal. Oh and it is good for weight loss too, first thing in the morning.
I hope these were helpful. What do you use in Aachoo season? aaaaachooo…..ewwww.
(All Images from Google Images)